Soaking Demise Of ‘Bobby Petrino’

By Sonja Sykes

I got home from work and the house was empty. The big guy is usually prowling about doing something when he’s in town, so it was surprising not to see him muttering and puttering around. Then, I found the note:

“Gone to the old house.”

That said it all: The six inches of rain, the basement. I almost feared calling his cell phone.

Over the sound of a wet-dry vac, he told me there was wet carpet, a few ruined items on the carpet and “Bobby Petrino didn’t survive.”

Over the years, the big guy has hauled home various life size cardboard cutouts of people, as well as one mean looking grizzly bear. When we moved, we decided to leave them in the other house. The college kids renting the house had no objection to them, perfect additions to their “man cave.”

I used to tell people that called for the big guy that he was down in the basement watching whatever sporting event that happened to be on with Shaq, Elvira, the Three Stooges, Bobby Petrino, Angel McCoughtry and Rick Pitino. And the bear. Joe Huber and Harry Carey are down there also…but in a different room and unable to see the TV.

The kids get back in a couple of days for college, so we’ve been stopping in, checking and maintaining. But Bobby won’t be there. His feet got waterlogged and he fell face first into the wet carpet. He died while his esteemed cohorts, safe from the flooding, stood by and watched…unable to help.

The work was almost done by the time I arrived but the wake had not started yet for the coach. With his face streaked and his extremities soaked…there was no saving Bobby. He had been transported to the back yard and lay on his back on the sidewalk. His fellow basement dwellers remained below … silent and staring at the vacant corner he used to occupy.

The big guy surveyed the situation a few moments later with a beer in his hand and wondered aloud what to do with the fallen coach. Just tossing him in the recycling bid seemed a bit cold and unfeeling. Shipping him to Fayetteville for final disposition would be a bit costly. Leaving him in Steve Kragthorpe’s front yard a bit juvenile and possibly a punishable offense. And we wouldn’t want to add to the challenges of the Louisville football coach.

Today is a another day. Basement dry, dehumidifier running, fans blowing. Bobby still lies on the back porch sidewalk … drying out and starting to curl up a bit. I think we’ll put him in the garage and drag him to the first tailgate of the season.

One last wake, one last gaze at the place where he performed so well. We’ll carry him over to the green lot and leave him leaning against a port-o-let maybe….letting some sympathetic fans or the sanitation department to decide his final fate.

I’m sure that’s what he would have wanted.